You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
