conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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