Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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