I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
