I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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