The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
