My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
