I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
