My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
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