bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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