at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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