hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
