Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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