she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
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