so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
