Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
