oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
