I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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