I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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