Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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