Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
