My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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