I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
