my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
