so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
