When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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