I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
