So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
