So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Barsexuality is the new black.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
