theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
