maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
