thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
