you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
