wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
