You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
