If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
