im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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