One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hippo gnu deer
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
