i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
