Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
