I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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