i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
