Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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