I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You made out with two different species that night
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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