K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
