nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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