i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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