never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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