so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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