So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
