On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
