i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
