she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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