I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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