Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
