Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
