Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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