If i come over, it means nothing
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
