Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
