so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
