You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
